How do I begin?
How can one extract my experiences, format them into words, and make you know how I feel?

Take a being like me: Handsome, charming, caring, warm and wealthy. Most have described me as perfect. Yet, I am far form it.

Back then I could walk with confidence and chose my partner without any difficulty or concern for anyone.
Then I found her; the One I will not get back.
In the most cruel way we had to depart. Her adultery was not even confirmed when she left, she made me doubt.
Still, I trusted my intuition and told her to leave. Later it was confirmed. She had been with others and I sent a text.
“This is the end.”
And that was the end.
There was no drama, no breakup, no end.
I simply had to accept that she was gone. The One was gone forever.
As if she died.
That was two years ago.
Her face still haunts me.
Why? Because I see her every night.
I kiss her every night.
I hug her every night.
I whisper I love you every night.
Only to realize she was never there to begin with.
She did not leave a wound.
She left a mutilated wreck.
A wreck that is beyond repair.
It is as if I forgot what love is.
I try to remember but all that comes to mind is emptiness.

Imagine me then, someone who is, in a sense, a “catch” who is left heartbroken. Someone who has to maintain a facade of security and confidence while his spirit is in despair. There is no hope to ever find love again.
No hope to mend this broken heart.
No hope to love another again.
I want to be touched and comforted.
I want to have someone who can say straight to my face that I am wonderful and that they like me.
Someone to hug me and say It’ll be alright.
But no one does – Only jokingly.
Do you see now why I write?
Imagine me, the “catch,” who cannot love again, falling in love.
I get to know this person very well and there are numerous signs that our love is mutual.
What is wrong then? She does not want anyone at her side. No kissing, nothing physical. Not even anyone to call “hers.”
The love is invisible, thin, and cannot be spoken. It is as if it is a made up blasphemy.

This girl has been on my mind ever since the first One left.
You are contradicting yourself.
I can’t explain my feelings very well…

In my head this new one is the only one who can make me feel again.
Why is this? Because in my two years of getting to know loneliness she is the only one I think of when I’m awake and alive.

For two years I’ve been trying to materialize our love. To make her confess – Say anything!
To even get a kiss. Nothing.

Then I hear she can kiss another. And then move from that kiss and go three steps beyond.
A person who is not me.
But I know she likes me… She loves me… WHY WAS  LEFT OUT?! 

Why do you play with me when you know how far beyond redemption I am? 
Once the world can be hacked once more I’ll take it all. There will be no mercy. This time I will rise and conquer all of humanity. This whole reality.

I believed she was the one, I sacrificed everything
 for you.
I knew you were a lost cause but if there is no hope humanity has nothing, and so I hoped. Yet you dare to say no one will show me justice? Or mercy?
Was my crime loving you?

I know you can’t be replaced but at least let me be loved again. Loved by someone I can love back.

Too bad I am perfect. If I was just someone it would be easier to open up and love.
Too bad I cannot forgive humanity. My pity for them is too great.
But it does not matter. I hear him whisper in the night. The man with in the white coat.
“The end is nigh, and so is the promise of redemption.”
– An old memory.

One thought on “Hypocrisy

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