The Vermin Longhorn
And so the pirates sailed the sea of cheese.
“What do you see with your slimey eyes?”
“The master’s cat is inbound sir!”
The captain snatched the spyglass,
and saw into the bellow of fiends,
for there in the midst of cheese,
swam a mighty feline indeed.
Turn and swirl and do a mighty hurl,
avoid the pussy,
or drown in milk!”
The hairy claws reached for the pirates,
and tore their sail to shreds and strips.
They screamed and prayed,
and lo! behold,
a bitch from the heavens came below,
with a bark and a snarl the cat had to go,
and the bitch pooped,
a bridge up above.
“See mateys, what the doggy did!
Now we can go up
and find the treasure indeed!”
The rats sailed the poo,
up into the bed,
and found no master,
but his mistress did lay still.
They scoured the bed and searched for treasure,
but found nothing but a cave of pleasure.
“See there ya mighty rats!
In-between her legs,
two flaps of skin,
and a red gashing wound,
I think we should go in!”
The rats gazed at one another,
none with the courage to venture further.
The captain raged and called them cowards.
But took only one step before the cave opened up,
and down dropped a liquid,
so pure and white.
“Oh we have found it,
the fountain of youth,
quick, have a dip,
and eat it up!”
The first mate sprang head-first,
and shoved his mouth,
into the wound bathing in white.
He turned back with a face so vile,
“Oh my this is salt as bile.”
“To fend of intruders,
Quick, all my mates,
lick her clean like your plates!”
And the twenty rats licked,
until their tongues turned blue,
and the mistress shook lively,
screaming with moans.
“The mistress is waking,
quick, she’s coming,
keep on licking,
or she’ll feed us to lice!”
A moment later the wound shot pus,
and away went the rats,
but oh no,
they left their pirate hats!
– F H Hakansson